Trump Moat A Real Possibility (April Fools’ Day)

 | Thu 31 Mar 2016 17:05 ICT

CityNews – Following the online activist hacker group Anonymous’s, recent announcement that they will be releasing tens of thousands of US Presidential hopeful Donald Trump’s private emails over the coming months leading up to the July convention, the media is abuzz with rumours that Trump Corporation has been looking at alternative headquarters to his New York operations.


“Things are going to get slightly uncomfortable,” said a source close to Ivanka Trump, rumoured to be leading this relocation project. “If Mr. Trump becomes the Republican nominee and wins the presidential election as predicted, then this is a moot point. After all, by then it won’t matter what emails come out. But if the establishment plays fast and loose with the votes and Mr. Trump doesn’t become the next President of the United States, there will be a lot of pressure to investigate Trump Corporation and we are not interested in that. There are going to be many angry people as well, and they have expressed interest in joining Mr. Trump in starting afresh, as they will have become disillusioned by US politics. Initially many said that they would move to Canada, but the Canadians are not being friendly to the Trump supporters, and without a wall, the US border is simply too close for comfort for those interested in moving to Mexico. So we have been looking to Asia. Mr. Trump loves the Asians, no one loves the Asians like him.”

Local Chiang Mai real estate dealers have told Citylife that swathes of the inner moat have recently been bought up by an anonymous buyer in the United States. “The entire grid from Rachamankha Road to the moat, including the Sriphum Corner all the way down to Singharat Road is now under one ownership,” said Nai Na Ruaynae. “Some of my friends in the industry have told me that even some temples have agreed to sell their properties to this one investor, though I don’t know who he is.”

There are real concerns about the future of Zoe in Yellow, seen as one of the most iconic attractions within the moat, but rumours are that it will be rebranded as Donald in Orange and a joint venture is supposedly being signed with current owners to upgrade facilities to include ‘classic and traditional gold leaf accents’ to all bar surfaces.

Seen as a move to protect his global holdings, it is believed that Trump intends to establish his operations in Chiang Mai, far from the reach of the IRS and other US agencies. A source close to the corporation in New York told Citylife. “Chiang Mai is a natural for someone like Mr. Trump. The wall has been built. 720 years ago in fact, and there is the added attraction of the moat, which is now crisscrossed with roads, but which, with a few adjustments, can be redesigned into drawbridges. We are going to have to work to do something about the zoning law. Mr. Trump will not allow a four story restriction on his buildings. If the moat can be stamped with the Trump brand then there will be huge buildings in it. If the Chiang Mai people don’t like it, they can go back to Mexico. But Mr. Trump loves Chiang Mai people, and Mexicans. So he will negotiate with the governor and make a contract and it will be the best contract in the world and it will be enforced like no other contract has ever been enforced.”

It is believed that Trump now has ownership of 85% of the moat. It is rumoured that the 40 year old mayor has already made a deal to sell all public properties to Mr. Trump, before his surprise early retirement in July. As per agreement, the statue of the Three Kings will be moved the front of Maya Lifestyle Mall, a more accessible location, according to the Mayor, who says that he is working with the Immigration Department on a special visa for political asylums. A statue of Mr. Trump by local artist Tam Phro Jon is currently being commissioned, and will be put in place of the Three Kings, which, according to a representative of the municipality, “wasn’t that old anyway”.

Mr. Trump was overheard telling a Briebart journalist following a recent debate in South Carolina, “Don’t worry, I am not evicting all the residents of the moat, they add a certain colour to my new spiritual-inspired life in the east, but anyone who can’t show that they were born in Chiang Mai will be deported outside the moat wall. I will make Chiang Mai great again.”

According to Google, there has been a surge in searches about Chiang Mai from southern states of the US with the most popular searches being, “hunting Chiang Mai,” “gun shops Chiang Mai,” “best hamburgers Chiang Mai’. There has also been an active online petition in Alabama which is gaining momentum, to lobby Walmart to expand its operations to Thailand.