It’s coup time again in Thailand, a time when foreign political experts come creeping out of the woodwork with their nailed on, matter-of-fact, incontestable political opinions that have been formed over ten plus dull years reading mostly either one of two propagandist newspapers.
Jesus said to his disciples, “stick to what you’re good at”
While the odd tourist – the kind that gets done over by wandering Indian fortune tellers – gets caught up in rallies and subjected to wearing colour-coded uniforms, it’s mostly expats that are to blame for pretending either a) to care or b) to know something valuable. What the placard holding foreigner (about as conceivable as an Alsatian smoking a cigarette) doesn’t know is that the struggle is intractable (do you really think equality is possible in a country where you can get away with murder for cold hard cash?). And what’s mildly frustrating is the fact that these passionate souls talk about reform and progress in a country they’ve come to milk, and one that they’d immediately leave in flames if things got really bad. Yes, they’d be on a plane drinking Vodka miniatures while watching SkyPlus before you could say not another fucking massacre.
It’s having to listen to people’s opinions that is the worst part, it’s worse than the actual protests which, to be honest, are far less offensive than online arrogance. To save us all time, and in view of the harm caused by our mutual differences, I’ve come up with a device called the Thai Political Personality Types. Each ones comes with an easy to remember abbreviation. This should save us all lots of time disagreeing endlessly online. We take a trait and stick with it, for example I’m a WANKER, and that’s that, end of discussion. Now we can watch Bangkok burn.
Choose your Types:
The Merciless Arrogant Democrat (MADs)
MADs despise Thaksin politics and refuse to see any benefit from this side of the political divide. They can’t seem to grasp that even though populism might be self-serving, there’s a reason it’s popular. Some of them are of course closet SODs, and they just fear personal loss. Others are educated, but can’t see through a fairytale future with ‘good’ people ruling Thailand. In fact, in the vein of conspiracy theorists, some of them actually believe Thaksin to be a part of a western round table coalition that is intent on taking over the world. Thaksin is fundamentally evil, and no matter what his sister does it will be a part of this evil. There’s nothing more to say, this shit is biblical, and that man with squinty eyes is the devil incarnate. He will drag Thailand to hell. Suthep, on the other hand, might have a history of violence, but, well, er, hmm…he’s better than fucking Thaksin, OK!@!!
The Supercilious Opportunist Democrat (SODs)
SODs harbour a modicum of respect for Thaksinomics, they just wish they had gotten there first. They can’t stand the fact that those lo-so scrubbers might be getting something out of life other than a free potato digging trowel with every truck they will be paying off until they die in huge debt that might or might not be paid by a drug addicted son who also dreams of a truck. Their main fear is that their entitled comfort and even the weak veneer of their bought and paid for education might be under threat as there obviously isn’t enough fois gras to go around in Thailand… and anyway, if people were equal then who the fuck would they have to look down on? Of course they’d never say this is public, they probably support Oxfam and send money to the Mandela appeal.
Dysfunctional Irate Cheerleaders (DICs)
DICs are mostly old men that got married to young women and moved out to the country to die while relatives like swarms of locust crowd the new cash crop. They speak some Thai and probably work in schools that will employ them until they die of a heart attack brought on by a diet of beer Chang and Lays. They can see no wrong in Yingluck or the Democrats, and occasionally wear red or yellow shirts and stand around at protest sites. Who they support is largely a consequence of who their hired wife tells them to support, or where they’ve ended up living. They are too old to be properly critical and so relieve themselves with being only cynical, and so unwisely they become martyrs to the cause. They’re nearly always from England or Australia, and they are never happy out there in the country or Bangkok soi 165, alienated in their little town where much of their time is spent watching British soaps on UKTV or writing nasty things on Thavisa. Life has proved one thing for these people: it doesn’t matter where they go, no one will like them. That must suck. One thing they are sure about though, in spite of never reading anything bigger than a Flight of the Gibbon pamphlet, is that they are right.
The Tedious when around Teashops (TWATs)
These educated people, TWATs, have read a lot about Thai politics. In fact they are fluent in Thai language, culture, politics, history, mythology, religions. It’s a pity then that they’ve never actually spent much time with a Thai person. Most of them support democracy but not Thaksin, nor do they much like that scoundrel Suthep. The only problem with them is they talk about narrative shifts and demystification a little too vaguely, which is good for no no one but themselves. They are actually of little practical use. They’ve never really enjoyed the countryside, it stinks and all that drinking is rather abject. They are, nonetheless, very clever. They talk about Marx as if he were a tap you could turn on. They often talk about hidden hands and might even mention something about anti-Communist fervor in the 60/70s and how it affected the teashops they like to frequent. These people are all talk, and are loathe to admit that they are in Thailand because they think the women, or men, are hot.
Tourists in Town (TITs)
TITs can’t really be blamed for knowing nothing at all about politics. TITs think Suthep is a road with a famous temple on it and some dodgy Chinese restaurants, and that a Shinawatra is some kind of sandwich you can get when you’re doing the Middle East. These people might ask you at any given point in the conversation what the Thai political crisis is all about, which might be an annoying question if you’re a TWAT, but if you are any of the previous types you shouldn’t have a problem simplifying the utterly complex and baking it in your own biased rhetoric. Tits should be avoided if you’re not keen on drinking from buckets or fighting over a soi dog. The consolation is that TITs will always be gone soon enough. If they stay then they will quickly mutate into another type.
Writers are Never Kidding except Reviling Suthep (WANKERs)
WANKERS are mainly journalists working in Thailand because the weather is nice. They seem to know a lot about Thailand and Thai politics, sometimes they like to make you feel they know something that they can’t tell you but will tell you anyway after a beer. They frequently quote Andrew McGregor Marshal and Thongchai whatshisname, and regularly get together on Facebook for long masturbatory exercises in agreeing with each other. Many of them are one step away from alcoholism having had to read about all the horror that takes place in a country where justice is just a word and the police make Jason from Friday the 13th seem amicable. They are mostly a self-indulgent lot that like the fact they know more than everyone else – they look down on anyone that supports any side, and always say they are in the middle somewhere, although it’s obvious they pretty much hold Yingluck in their tainted hearts. Why? Because they have this thing about the elite, they hate the elite, they are elitist where the elites are concerned…unless of course they are called Michael Yon, then it’s likely they are being paid to write shit…by the elite. WANKERs are probably too sensitive to be in Thailand and should probably get out before they put a bullet in their over-burdened brains. They are very serious when they write about the conflict, but like nothing more than to post a doctored face of Suthep with a Hitler moustache.
Cool Underneath Nasty Trickery (CUNTs)
These people known as CUNTs tend to be very hard to locate. One minute they are screaming for Yingluck to be kicked out of Thailand, and the next minute they are talking about exposing the corruption of the old elite hierarchy. CUNTs are leeches, chameleonic leeches, and they somehow manage to stay in the country for many years having never really worked and remaining undetected. CUNTs pretend to care, and they are excellent at what they do. They know how to butter up SODs and DICs, and are equally, if not psychopathically, good at spinning big words around with TWATS. These people are more common than you realize, you just don’t know it. CUNTs can be found in every bar and restaurant, every gym, editorial office, school classroom, and every expat meeting… and even protest march. They couldn’t give a shit if Bangkok shuts down, because they will take advantage of it, if it means writing a story or selling someone a t-shirt with a burning mall on the front. One mistake many people make is to think CUNTs are harmless…well, think again, next time you’re reading about ‘conflict’ in your reliable news source, or watching some ‘expert’ wax neutral on TV, remember he might just be a CUNT.
Now, which one are you?