I got my ear pierced. I am now the proud wearer of an earring, and apparently I look ‘a bit gay’. Now I know full well I don’t look ‘a bit gay’ because Harrison Ford has an earring, and he is anything but ‘a bit gay’ (unless he gay marries Colin Farrell, who also has an earring, any time before this goes to print). Gay marriage? Isn’t it glorious that them still have to point out that two people of the same sex getting married are gay?
I’m heterosexual, whatever the toss that means, and I know I am because I don’t fiddle with other men’s willies… often. But I now have an earring that makes me ‘a bit gay’. And I adore it. I love the fact that putting a hole in my earlobe and sticking a ring through it has given me access to the gay community. I’m now ‘a bit gay’ and proud.
I’m thinking of flying to Russia and making friends with Pussy Riot, getting arrested and thrown into a gulag because I’m now ‘a bit gay’. I wonder if with being ‘a bit gay’ I might get away with a bit of playful wet-towel whipping while in a Russian prison’s showers rather than a full on heterosexual bumming?
For those of you who don’t quite know what I’m getting at, Russia used to have some of the most liberal attitudes on the planet concerning homosexuality – gay sex was decriminalised when the soviet era collapsed – and by liberal I mean being gay was normal, healthy and accepted. But then a few men, who have never had an earring, became ridiculously powerful. These men are so powerful that they know homosexuality breeds more homosexuality – especially in children who don’t know they are gay until other people tell them they are gay through what the authorities call ‘gay propaganda’ – and if that happens it could drive the price of earrings through the roof, something the Russian economy simply could not cope with.
I suggest these men try being ‘a bit gay’. It might get them a day pass to the gay community. My ‘a bit gay’ earring probably means I can go to amazing gay orgies, because that’s what gays get up to. I won’t actually get to take part in what these perverts do, but with my ‘a bit gay’ pass, I’ll get to watch.
Now I’m ‘a bit gay’ I can hang out with proper gayers. I can listen to the same music gayers do and eat the same food. I can kiss whoever I like being ‘a bit gay’ because whereas heterosexuals can only kiss the opposite sex, being ‘a bit gay’ means I can kiss anyone. And kissing is nice. I could probably wear a dress, what with being ‘a bit gay’, and get away with it. Gays love dresses, I read it on the internet, and dresses are nice.
I think everyone who hasn’t been ‘a bit gay’ before should try getting an earring and being ‘a bit gay’ for a bit. It might just put your mind onto something gorgeous and lovely, kind and sweet and above all – normal. And that can’t be ‘a bit gay’, can it?