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Chiang Mai Citylife > Articles > 2006 > 2006 Issue 06 > THE UNSPIRIT OF NON-VIOLENCE


Okay, it’s no secret. Us mafia types are famous for being a little rough around the edges. By which I mean, we don’t have no compunctions about using a little violence to grease the great wheels of existence. I know that bothers some of you average jamooks out there, but let me tell you, if you all think spirituality and peacefulness are the same thing then you gotta put down that Deepak Chopra and pick up the original books he cribbed alia his stuff from.

I’m talking about the most popular book in all India, The Bhagavad Gita. That translates roughly as The Theme Song of God’. Well, according to this book, God’s theme song is the same as The Godfather’s. Basically what happens is that this Arjuna goombah gets bumped by his conniving brothers from his perch at the head of his family dynasty. Typical, right? So he wants to launch an operation and get his position back. Only to do it he’s gonna have to kill his whole family. So what does he do? Does he go all Gandhi and hang out in the forest pounding bark? Does he go back try to calmly appeal to his brothers’ sense of fair play and decency? Well, maybe he would have. But at the last minute God shows up and tells him that he’s a frickin sausage-head if he don’t get off his fat ass and go whack the whole clan down into Hindu hell. He does it. End of story.

This is supposed to be a guide on how people should live their life right. It is the most popular religious book in all of Asia.

Luckily, Buddhism came around at some point and said, hey, let’s not get all worked up about everything. And Taoism said hey organisations are all fulla crap so let’s hang out in the jungle and chew twigs. But still, most of Asia gets its ideas from two books: The Bhagavad Gita, and Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book. I don’t think I have to tell you that Mao’s lessons ain’t all squishy and sweet neither. In fact, I think Mao cribbed all his ideas from the mafia. “Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun” he said. If that ain’t mob talk, I don’t know what is.

But you might say, hey Swami, that ain’t spiritual, that’s politics.

Uncle Ted – Helping the weak and pathetic get a bit of starch in their spine and stiffening the upper-lip of the mollycoddled and moaners since circa 1926. Satisfaction guaranteed though no re¬funds offered.

Dear Uncle Ted,

I have a problem.

Yours, Chester. Winfield.

Dear Chester,

Yes. You do. Have a problem that is. In fact, I’d imagine you have several. Problems that is.

Yours, Uncle Ted

Uncle Ted,

Today I ordered moo-kratiem for lunch and it only had 7 pieces of beef in it. What should I do?



Dear wc,

Take it up with Chester. Something tells me he’ll know what to do.

Uncle Ted

(Ed. Moo kratiem is pork with garlic and pepper, not beef, and Chesters sells chicken! Uncle Ted is losing the plot – bless.)


My husband has too many nights out with ‘The Boys’. Although I don’t want to nag him and force him to be home 24/7 I still feel like he is neglecting me in favour of going out, getting drunk with his friends, and getting up to God knows what! It isn’t really a Wrong. Spirituality is all about politics. Mao just yanked God out of it, and then took over his position. Look at the Bible, or the Torah, or Confucius or even Lao Tzu and you might find the same thing written in different ways. Bottom line: The first half of spirituality is all about getting power and sta¬tus. Then, only once you got it, you can eat vegetables and talk about peace and love and think about maybe giving some of your crap away.

After all, who’s hanging around the spirituality sec¬tion of the bookstore? Not bums and saints, but yuppies who sold their souls for BMWs and condos but still ain’t happy. They bought the material world, now they want to weasel their way into the spiritual one too. Of course, you can’t pay money for spirituality. Spirituality is when you got it all and then you give it up. Like me. I’m spiritual.

Don’t agree? Fine. But if I kick your ass for that, it don’t mean you’re right.

trust issue as I do love and trust him, however this is Thailand (if you get what I mean) and I know what some of his mates are like.



Dear Worried,

Errr… yes? And your problem is what exactly?? This is perfectly normal, natural, and healthy behaviour. Actually it should be encouraged, nay, applauded!! Stop being so selfish and think of your husband woman! Men are hunters and this is merely part of an age-old ritual, proving his prowess with other men. Would you prefer they called him ‘Nancy-boy’!? A night out chasing young single girls helps to relieve stress and can foster a more peaceful and re¬laxing home. Just look at yer old Uncle Ted for proof! Don’t see me getting stressed do ya!?

Remember, it has benefits for you also. Nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s a great time to clean the house too)! Hangovers notwithstanding, just look at how happy he is when he returns home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you to be pleasant, understanding and provide all the comforts and help he needs to get him through his hangover. Then cook him a nice meal.