– Dear Vigilante,
Communicating with likeminded individuals by way of the Citylife letters page? I like it, very clandestine and a smart idea from someone who is clearly a man of action.
I too spend my days railing against the forces of enjoyment and have, since one tragic episode as a young boy involving a balloon, a catapult and a tub of petroleum jelly, dedicated my life to funfighting. Few are called, even fewer serve. But it is a lonely existence – not that I need to tell you that, Vigilante.
I had recently grown despondent that there may be no others like me in Chiang Mai, despite there being an obvious need for an army of righteousness to wipe the smiles off the faces of the city’s many funhavers. Your recent letter both reassured and inspired me. Your example has seen me up my game, and at this year’s Songkran festival I set a new personal best total for ‘interventions’ as I like to call them. I set out with purpose, with conviction. Why should these ‘young’ people go about having such carefree ‘fun’ with water while others sit in misery? Who do they think they are? (Not to mention of course the numerous health and safety directives which they flagrantly flout, yet another reason for which to put a halt to their merry-making).
Around the Chiang Mai moat I raised my clenched fist and aggressively approached groups of smiling, laughing youths on 27 separate occasions. I fought the good fight. I succeeded in besting last year’s achievements. I was rewarded with, variously, 19 buckets of ice cold water in the face, five point-and-laughs, two thrown 7-Eleven hotdogs and 1 “F*ck off Granddad”. A fine couple of days’ work I am sure you will agree.
In Chiang Mai we are currently adrift in a sea of fun and happiness, and it will not do. This enjoyment will not stand. If God had meant for people to have fun in life and laugh a lot he would not have invented Adam Sandler movies. Somebody has to take a stand and tell all those who laugh and have fun that they are wrong, they are not what was meant, they are an abomination. That someone is you. Well, and me. Oh and possibly the guy who regularly sweeps every, single can of Diet Coke off the Rimping shelf and into his basket so that nobody else can buy any – if he isn’t already a dedicated funfighter like us then by thunder he shows promise.
Only we can stem the tide. We are the last bastion of all that is right, moral and tightass. We can and must succeed. I suggest we meet, Vigilante, to trade tips, tricks and war stories. We can compare scars, physical, emotional and imaginary. I can usually be found in the vicinity of any 2-for-the-price-of-1 offer in Tesco or Big C and you will know me by the way I walk. You could crack open walnuts between these buttocks.
I’m glad you’re out there Vigilante. It’s good to know I’m not alone. Keep fighting the good fight against happiness and joy. Solidarity, brother. We shall overcome.
[i]The Masked Pariah[/i]
– Opiumed Up My Eyes
Tom Fawthrop’s article was excellent [Citylife
, April 2012 – Opium: Curse or Cure?]. I must admit that I didn’t really understand the situation before reading about it this month but have since had my eyes opened to this complex story, right here on our doorstep. While this government is primed to launch yet another war on drugs, deputy prime ministers are threatening to fast track executions and policemen are probably compiling a hit list as we speak, few people are actually looking beyond the knee-jerk ‘all drugs are evil’ argument. As Mr. Fawthrop correctly writes, drugs are exported legally from the west all the time, why should the east not also regulate its drugs production and make some money out of it?
A highly recommended read which I have forwarded to friends all over the world. Well done Citylife
and let’s hope Mr. Fawthrop can return to enlighten us with another topic sometime soon.
– Pretty Cover
Have you considered interviewing the Prime Minister? She is from Chiang Mai, and I think would look really nice on your cover. She looks nice in or on anything.